Threat or Bribe?

What works threatening or bribing?

Unfortunately many parents feel that to get children to do what they want them to do, they have to resort to threatening or bribing. Nothing could be further from the truth. Neither threatening nor bribing work, not in the long term any way. Children are a wake up to the parent who uses this form of discipline or manipulation and it is at that time that the child takes advantage and the game begins. The child who learns that the parent is prepared to bribe to have them do something will actually resort to not doing anything willingly because they know by holding out the parent will bribe (reward them). The child who learns that the parent will threaten them in order to get them to do something will duck and weave in order to avoid the parent’s threat. The truth is that in order for you to have your children cooperate with your request to get dressed, to do their homework, to help around the house, to be obedient they must not only be physically and intellectually able to do what they’re asked, they must want to cooperate. What’s important to you may not be important to them. So how do you get your child to want to cooperate? There are many techniques, which parents can adopt in order to teach children the value of teamwork and cooperation. Teaching your child to cooperate takes time and patience, but the benefits will last a lifetime. I have set out some examples below. A valuable resource which teaches many techniques is the Parents’ Mind Magic Remote Coaching Workshop. You can obtain your copy by clicking here now. Before I set out some of the techniques it must be understood that children have been taught how to use the word ‘NO’. It comes naturally for some children to say ‘NO’ to every command the parents give. From ‘ pick up your toys’, to ‘ behave yourself’ The word ‘No’ is learned at a very early age. Toddlers and preschoolers are very good at letting the word ‘NO’ roll off the tongue. Why is this? You may be surprised to hear that the reason is that parents have successfully taught their children how to say ‘NO’ from a very early age, even before they walked. When a child is very young, they are very inquisitive and can get into a lot of things. This is the way they learn by exploring. Parents unwittingly intervene by saying…. ‘NO! don’t do that.’ ‘NO! don’t go there’ ‘NO! you can’t have that’ ‘NO! NO! NO!’ It’s NO wonder that one of the very first words mastered by children is the word ‘NO” Another reason children say ‘NO’ so often to a command is that parents once again unwittingly encourage uncooperative behaviour by ignoring their children when they cooperate and give the child their undivided attention (albeit in bribing or threatening) when the child is not cooperating. Finally young children don’t usually see the ‘big picture parents have in mind when making their requests. Young children have no sense of time so they don’t understand the urgency parents feel in many situations. Many parents react negatively when their child responds with a blatant ‘NO’ to a request made by the parent. They interpret the ‘NO’ as an act of defiance, they feel that their authority is undermined and usually react with an ultimatum. Whilst it’s normal for parents to get irritated when their children don’t cooperation it is important that they don’t allow the irritation to lead to nagging. Comments the likes of ‘ How many times do I have to tell you?” equates to nagging. ‘Are you deaf?'  equates to labelling ‘ Do it and I’ll buy you an ice cream ‘ equates to bribing. Please do it for mummy’ equates to begging.’ If you don’t do it I’m going to be late for work’ equates to blaming and finally ‘If you don’t do it, I’m going to tell your father to deal with you when he gets home’ equates to threatening. Parents justify this way of responding when they tell themselves that their children’s lack of cooperation is an act of defiance. Many parents fear that their child will never listen to them, never be able to get along with others and never learn to follow directions in school. Their own parents may have nagged, bribed or threatened them for not following directions and these responses may come naturally when they’re backed into a corner by a child who refuses to cooperate. If parents has low self esteem regarding parenting they may get angry when their child doesn’t cooperate because their self talk is to say to themselves that they are not competent parents. Nothing positive results from nagging, bribing or threatening a child. The child may do what he/she is asked out of fear, guilt or shame, but he/she won’t learn the skills necessary to get along in the world as a responsible self-sufficient considerate human being. He/she will learn just the opposite how to intimidate others to get them to do what he/she wants. Parents need to remind themselves that their child’s behaviour is developmentally appropriate. If you as a parent reframe the situation as a teachable moment it gives you the chance to work with your child rather against him/her. Children learn by modelling, they learn by example hence the way to teach a child to care for others is by you caring for them, they learn to respect others by being respected themselves. You as a parent can build your child’s trust by helping him/her to make decisions, follow the rules and accept the consequences of his/her choices. The techniques described below will help you model patience and self-control as you deal with the daily challenges of motivating your child from ‘NO’ to ‘YES.’ One of the best ways of getting your child to do what you want is to give them choices. When you give your child choices, he/she practices his/her decision-making skills. The giving of choices can begin at an early age. For example, when getting your child reading for bed put out two pyjamas and give them the choice as to which one they want to wear. At breakfast time give them a choice: cereal and fruit? or toast and fruit? In giving your child the opportunity of making choices in everyday things you are less likely to get a ‘NO’ and it will not come as a surprise to your child when you give them a choice when wanting them to do a chore or doing their homework or even in disciplining. For example: John would you like to put your toys away now or in 10 minutes time?’ John are you going to do your homework before or after dinner?’ John when you finish your homework you will be free to do what you want to do which is watch your favourite TV program. You choose. Using this method of communication gives your child a choice and hence the response ‘NO’ loses a lot of its power. If you on the other hand intimidate your child by threatening to punish him/her when he/she doesn’t listen, it tells him/her that they have no say. Feeling that they have no say in what happens triggers resentment and anger and their reluctance to cooperate will increase. Children respond in two ways when threats lead to fear. Fear motivates your child to escape or rebel rather than cooperate. When you resort to threatening you in fact put yourself into a difficult position. If your child doesn’t comply, you’re forced to follow through with a punishment that damages your child and your relationship with him/her; if you don’t follow through your credibility is destroyed. When your child discovers that your threat was empty, he/she will no longer believe that you mean what you say. Acknowledge your child for listening and following through with what he/she is asked to do. This will encourage him/her to keep doing it. Children really do want to please their parents and there is no greater reward than for the parents to acknowledge their child’s compliance for major and minor tasks completed. Show Empathy Children, like adult, appreciate being shown empathy. When you empathise with your child what you actually do is validate him/her and it tells him/her that you respect his/her opinion, which in turn motivates him/her to cooperate as part of your team. This is especially so with older children. Make a Deal It is important that children learn at an early age the value of meeting their responsibilities before doing what they wants. One way of teaching him/her is to establish a rule which says:  When you have finished your homework you are free to do what you want to do which is ……..’ When you put away your toys you are free to do what you want to do, which is to………’ This peaceful solution to parent-child conflicts teaches your child that there is a need for them to finish the task they have been requested to do before they are free to do what they want. The ultimate benefit of this rule is teaching your child the win-win team approach in meeting everyone’s agenda. Bribery on the other hand, tells your child ‘If you do what I ask, then I’ll reward you with a special surprise’ this action teaches the child to hold out for a tangible payoff before cooperating. Through ‘The Communicator Newsletter’ we will be giving you helpful hints on how to respond when children say ‘NO’ to some of the most common requests that parents make. Requests such as: It’s time to get out of bed?’ It’s time to do your homework’ Please put on clean clothes’ Please be quiet’ Please brush your teeth’ Please turn off the TV’ Have you signed up for ‘The Communicator Newsletter?’ If not ‘click here’ Now! " Membership has its definite advantages". Another very useful resource which helps you to develop a strong relationship with your children, assisting you to build stumbling blocks into building blocks is the book ‘ How to Beat Children at their Own Game’ to order your copy ‘click here’ now. "Please click here to tell your friend about our site"