News Article 1002 - Welcome to Life…

Why do children from the same family turn out so often so differently from one another? Why do some excel at school, show responsibility and respect and grow up well adjusted loving human beings and yet their brother(s) or Sister(s) may hate going to school have learning problems, show no respect, are hostile, bully and display other problematic behaviour, and grow up indifferent to society? These burning questions have haunted many parents for decades, Many parents have said to me “ I love them all the same way, and I treat them all the same way I just don’t understand”. Some of these parents look for answers by justifying, lay blame on the child, themselves and others trying to alleviate their pain and anguish. So what is the answer or answers to this question? The truth is the answers are entwined in the intricacy of the way we parent the children. We may parent the children the same way, however what is often forgotten is that children are not all the same and they interpret our parenting differently. It’s for this reason that parents need to develop an acute sense of perception. There are many resources available to help parents develop what they need to enjoy the rewards of parenting and we hope to introduce you to many of the resources through this website. So Now lets begin our Journey – The wonderfully rewarding and sometimes not so wonderfully rewarding life of Parenting. When a child enters in to this World the child arrives completely innocent. The child has basic needs for survival and reacts most of the time on automatic pilot; that is, the child cries when it is hungry the child sleeps when it is tired, and soils it’s nappy when it needs to. Anything else the child learns is learned through programming. The child’s parents or carers carry out this programming. The analogy I make is that a baby’s brain can be compared to a sophisticated, state of the art computer – the programmer (the parent) is responsible for the data being entered and as they say in computer language “ if you program garbage in you will get garbage out”. The major difference between programming a child and a computer is that the child has an emotional component that needs attention. For a child to grow up emotionally stable, with self-confidence and a high level of self-esteem, the emotional component of a child needs to be programmed with unconditional love, and a feeling of security, of belonging and of being unconditionally accepted. Unfortunately there are times when parents can unintentionally programme the child with the opposite. Emotions of guilt, resentment, insecurity and a feeling of indifference and rejection can be administered by parents unintentionally. This is what is referred to as ‘garbage in’. The result of this type of programming remains hidden and at times does not surface for many years later. Later can be at ay age but usually when the child is old enough to interact and certainly by the time the child goes to pre- school. This type of programming surfaces by way of behavioural problems (which is ‘garbage out’) click here and get your very own troubleshooting manual on ‘How to Beat Children at their Own Game’ It’s at this time, that parents wonder why? So, you may be wondering, “Where do we begin?” I believe a good place to begin is with: A Good Foundation Life in the family paves the way for children to enter  the world of adults. Although you are born into a very small universe of just you and your mother you soon widen your circle to embrace the world of the family. You start with your father, brothers and sisters and gradually add members of your extended family. Your nest step takes you out to the wider community of school, religious circle, or ethnic group and the friendships you form yourself with people in your peer group. Each new range of contacts builds on what has been laid down by previous spheres, and each new relationship adds to your emotional and social experience. Security: A child’s emotional and social stability is initially determined in the family. Successful parenting produces a secure and well-adjusted-child, one who is able to join the wider world with confidence. New parents may feel apprehensive about the enormous responsibility they face in equipping their children for life beyond the family circle. Initially, a newborn baby needs close and active interaction to encourage the development of intelligence and language. Research shows that the greater the stimulation, the more rapid and therefore advanced the child’s development will be – especially its intellectual, social and linguistic development. Conversely, a lack of attention can have serious, lifelong consequences, for example, children who are insufficiently stimulated may lack confidence and curiosity, remaining withdrawn shy and fearful well into adulthood. Independence: A child’s first physical step toward independence occurs around the time when he or she learns to crawl.  Just as a toddler slowly gains courage and begins to explore more and more room in the family home, so  he or she starts to become emotionally more independent leaving the immediate family and interacting with others By the time a child goes to school he or she is becoming socially independent expressing preferences for the company of certain children and developing his or her own ideas and interests. Gender Roles: Howe a child sees his or her gender role depends to a great extent on whether sons and daughters are treated differently in the family and also on how the adult partners are seen to treat each other. A child’s position in the family, along with the number and sex of any siblings, also contributes to the formation of his or her assumptions and expectations. In the past 20 years, traditional roles have changed, largely due to the increased education and financial independence of women and many people find they want to re evaluate what they were taught during this own upbringing. The next generation may continue to redefine gender roles and behaviour in ways that are hard to predict. (refer to How age gaps and genders effect the consequences of a child’s position in the family hierarchy Page 149 in ‘How to Beat Children at their own Game’) Discipline: Self-control, maturity and well-developed social skills are the hallmarks of children who have been disciplined democratically, that is, when their parents listened to them, respected their feelings and reasoned with them. Autocratic parents discipline their children by criticizing or punishing them (sometimes physically) which only serves to intimidate the child. By contrast, permissive parents set few boundaries, letting the child go his or her own way. Such parents may make the family home too comfortable thus inadvertently child’s autonomy however many families are now struggling to cope with the stress of unemployed young adults who have found it financially impossible to leave home. Both parents and children may have become confused about the limits of parental discipline. (refer to What does it take to Discipline your Child Page 64 in ‘How to Beat Children at their own Game’) click here to order your copy! Love and Protection: Essential to the development of a child’s emotional maturity are warmth and affection. Children need to experience love from their parents in order to learn how to love others, and it is much harder for children with aloof or indifferent parents to form close relationships. Children also need to feel safe, but if they begin to feel that parental over protectiveness is threatening to hinder their independence, they may struggle to create healthy relationship, and their attention- seeking behaviour might manifest itself in aggressive behaviour towards other people. If the parents are overanxious and insecure themselves, or if they have little sense of humour and impose discipline erratically the children are likely to be highly emotional and prone to sudden outbursts of temper. (Refer to Why is it necessary to discuss the topic of feelings with children? Page 48 in ‘How to Beat Children at their Own Game’ Book click here to order your copy) Conformity: A child’s family is probably the most important source of beliefs about ‘normality’ expectations and social behaviour. If the family’s values are in tune with those of the rest of society, the children’s transition to the outside world should be relatively smooth. Similarly if those values are compatible with those of school or work, children are more likely to succeed academically or professionally. Parents can also help prepare children for school and work by stimulating their intellectual development and responding to their curiosity fostering a positive attitude to learning. Self Worth –v- Self Esteem: There tends to be confusion in understanding the concepts of self-worth and self-esteem, often leading to misguided helping. Self-worth is a given, unchangeable; it is what you are, from the moment of conception; sacred, worthy of giving and receiving love, unique, individual, possessing vast intellectual potential and giftedness. Self-esteem is a screen self , a crust you form around your real self in order for you to survive in your world. The greater the threats to your expression of your self-worth, the lower is your self-esteem and the higher are your protectors. Basically, self-esteem is the amount of your real self that you dare show to people. It’s the sense that self-esteem is a screen, because it hides or veils what would be threatening to reveal. The question now arises ‘ How is self-esteem developed?’ “How does one develop low self-esteem?” “How does one develop middle self-esteem?” and finally “What about those with high self-esteem?’ For answers to all these questions look out for our next New Article 1003 where we will Explore and Discover the answers