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Most lies start off as white lies, very young children will tell white lies to protect the feelings of the other person.  For example, grandma gives the child a gift which the child does not like but mummy encourages the child to tell grandma that the gift is lovely. As children get to primary school age they have become quite skilled at telling white lies.  By adolescence, children regularly tell white lies to protect their friends’ feelings.

Parents also teach children how to tell white lies.  For example have you ever  had your partner tell someone who has called you on the phone that you are not there.  Or have you ever told a friend that the gift they have given you is just what you always wanted only to say to your partner after your friend left that it is the most useless gift you have ever received.  The truth be known many of us have been guilty of this and when our children witness this what we are teaching them is that it is O.K to tell white lies.

So when is telling white lies O.K.

Telling your child a white lie can be harmless and in fact can help protect a child’s innocence, promote creative development or teach then important social skills.

For example, you might tell your child that the Easter Bunny or tooth fairy will visit them if they are good.  Or perhaps you might encourage them to write a letter to Santa in order for Santa to know what to bring for Xmas.

Parents need to control the amount of white lies they tell children.   Sometimes a parent will tell a child who wants lollies whilst out  “I can’t buy you those lollies because I didn’t bring any money with me” whilst this could be a good stall tactic it, could back fire and cause a child not to trust the parent when the child finds that the parent did have a purse full of money with them. Another major problem with parents who continually tell their children untruths is that children who are used to hearing lies are more likely to tell lies themselves.

Children learn to tell lies for many reasons, depending on the situation and their motivation.  Children might lie to:

• Avoid consequences or punishment
• Test their parents checking to see their parents response
• Exaggerate to impress others
• Gain attention

Children can sometimes lie to the point that they themselves don’t realize that they are lying, this is especially true with young children from the ages between 4 and 6.

When children reach school they lie more often and can do so more convincingly.

What to do when your child lies

First be aware of your own behaviour and ensure that you don’t lie.  Teach by example as this is the best way for your child to learn what is right and what is wrong.  If your child continues to lie, sit your child down and tell them that to tell lies is not good and that people will not trust them if they lie.  Also telling them stories that highlight the importance of honesty is also very effective.  Pinocchio and the story about the boy who cried wolf are entertaining stories that teach the value of honesty.

Generally it is better to teach children the value of telling the truth than it is to punish them for minor misdeeds, Praise your child for honesty and ensure that your child understands that no matter what happens they can always tell you the truth.

Once children grow old enough to understand the difference between true and not true, it’s good to encourage and support them in telling the truth.

• If your child walks over your clean floor with muddy shoes do not say “ did you walk on my clean floor with those dirty shoes”  because you are likely to get a “NO’ instead say “If your child walks over your clean floor with muddy shoes do not say “ did you walk on my clean floor with those dirty shoes”  because you are likely to get a “NO’ instead say “ you need to leave those dirty shoes outside, come on let’s clean it up”
• You find that your child exaggerates stories than involve bragging could be a way of your child getting admiration from others.  If this happens often you may want to consider giving your child more attention and more praise to boost your child’s self esteem.
• When your child owns up to doing something wrong, praise your child for being honest. It is important that the child understands that you appreciate her strength in being honest.
• Try to deal separately with the lie and the behaviour.  You may discipline the child with time out for lying but it is equally important that you look at what caused the behaviour behind the lie.  Perhaps your child lied to get your attention then you could ensure that you give your child more attention in the future.
• It is important not to label your child by calling him/her a liar.  Negatively labelling can cause self esteem issues which could result in more lying.

As children get older lies can become a habit.  If you find your child telling more lies it is important that you set some time aside to discuss the consequences of lying and explaining to the child that the price one pays when lying is to be considered not trustworthy.

Stay involved in your child’s life and encouraging him/her to be truthful with you.  Children of all ages who have good communication with their parents and who talk with them about what they’re doing are less likely to engage in antisocial behaviour.