Sign-up and
Why a Family needs Family Rules
Tell a Friend
In this article we will discuss achieving goals in order to achieve excellent positive parenting. In view of that, let me have a word about family rules.
Before we explore reasons why a family needs family rules it is important to first identify what the word ‘rule’ means.
The word ‘rule’ means system, policy, regulations, set of laws, convention. So it stands to reason that a family with a set of rules would benefit by having a system and set of laws for members to live by. Having these rules in place, which member of the family needs to respect, represent guidelines that are in intended to shape behaviour, ranging from games played for fun to formal etiquette or, more seriously to the agreement made between marital partners about fidelity. Rules can thus embody moral values and often rely on rewards and punishments.
Rules Need to be Flexible
Many of the rules of family life need frequent repetition, especially those that relate to disciplining young children, Young children often need to be reminded about the family rules in place, which could relate to doing their share of work around the house, homework etc.
However another important feature about rules is that they can change. In fact, many family therapists believe that the ability of the family group to change the rules according to the changing needs of its members is good measure of how healthy relationship is between the families.
Sometimes There is a Need for Compromise
When a person inters into a relationship they take with them a set of rules from their own families. Some of these are fairly straightforward, such as, “In my family no one got up from the table before everyone finished eating”. Now there is no problem with that however if the other person in the relationship had a rule in their family which contradicted this, because their family rule was ‘Eat and run because everyone had a different timetable and agenda’ then there is a need for compromise depending on what both people felt the right rule would be for them in their existing circumstance.
Then There are the Unspoken Rules
These are rules that have never been written down anywhere, nor discussed, because they frequently have been in existence for so long that everyone is aware of them. Sometimes these unspoken rules are not so easy to talk about, much less compromise on. There could be some issues linked to the self-esteem of one or both partners, You may have little or no idea of your own, largely unspoken, rule about domestic behaviour or emotional boundaries and expectations until you or your partner ‘trios’ over them. This usually occurs when criticism, even when well-intended or an inappropriate demand results in hurt feelings.
It’s Important to Handle with Care
In a relationship it is important to find out what your partner’s unspoken rules are as this can help you to avoid or, more positively, resolve a conflict. It’s also very important to find out your own unspoken rules, as then you can ask for what you want instead of expecting your partner to read your mind.
The violation of unspoken rules is often why couples may argue frequently.
A woman may feel that everyone should help out with the home chores when her husband might feel it is a woman’s job. As a result the couple might argue often about house work. If however they get these unspoken rules out into the open, the couple could negotiate a compromise, perhaps by deciding who will be responsible for which tasks,
Discovering your Rules
To find out what your family’s unspoken rules takes time and effort, you should start by thinking about the way the family members behave. What tasks do they perform? How do they act in public and at home? Do the rules fit the situation?
Observing how people behave, will enable you to uncover the rules that govern their behaviour.
Bringing your family rules out into the open will enable you to decide, through negotiation with your partner and other family members, if the rules are beneficial.
The Best Rules
Helpful rules are those that ensure that the needs of every family member are being met. Rules should be appropriate for the ages and abilities of the children, and should help them develop into healthy adults who are trusting and secure.
Because most of our rules have been inherited, you might want to decide whether you want to pass your rules on to the next generation – or create newer, better ones.