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Understanding adolescents
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The onset of adolescence starts at puberty, when children begin sexual maturity and is considered to last until legal adulthood. It is a phase of tremendous psychological and physical change as the child moves toward becoming a distinct, independent adult. Continuing intellectual development means that this is a period when people often start to think a more about politics, religion, social matters and such philosophical questions as “What do I really believe in?” “Who am I?” “How different am I from my family?”
This kind of soul searching often leads to conflict with parents and mutual criticism of outlook, attitudes and behaviour.
The Changing Relationship
As adolescents start to assert their individuality and independence, parents have to learn to let go. This is often difficult, after all, when their children were younger, the parents’ guidance and intervention were essential, perhaps even welcomed at times.
Faced with a teenager whose taste in clothes, hairstyle, music and friends they deplore, few parents can resist the temptation to comment disparagingly. If more fundamental issues are at stake – attitudes to education, drugs and sex- then the gulf between parent and child may become unbridgeable
Influence of Peer Group
Adolescents are torn between conflicting needs. They want both to belong and to break free. As relationships either family loosen, and particularly if they become more strained and antagonistic, the influence of their peer group becomes increasingly important. A dependence on the family is replaced by a dependence on friends.
This is especially true in Western societies, where participation in the adult world of work and family responsibilities can be postponed until well beyond actual adolescence.
Adolescent is a time of great sociability but also of intense loneliness. Acceptance by one’s peers especially by one or two close friends, makes a great difference in a young person’s life, Most adolescents say that they can tell their friends things they cannot share with parents and that a close friend understands them better than their parents.
Different Role Models
Friendships also provide role models and ways of relating that are different from those in the family. For example, Jenny 15 has a father who is only satisfied if she gets top marks, which makes her scared to fail.
At school, however, she has male friends who accept her as she is, giving her a different model for relationships with men. Joe on the other hand, has a father who is very competitive with him. From his peers, Joe has learned how to accept and enjoy male companionship – even friendly competition – without always wanting to prove himself.
Relationship with peers can also be disappointing or painful if an adolescent is rejected. In some cases, peer-group pressure can be harmful if a person suspends his or her judgment and values, and is pushed into deviant or even criminal behaviour.
Studies show that conformity to parental values declines until mid-adolescence, while conformity to peer-group values increases. Beyond this stage, however, autonomy increases as the person works out his or her own belief and values.
When to Hold on and When to Let Go
By addressing serious misbehaviour, such as truancy, while being tolerant of less problematic behaviour, such as an exaggerated hairstyle or scruffy clothes, you will make it clear to your children that you respect their need for independence, and that they must, in turn, respect your principles on issues that you consider to be fundamental.
Children need to know your strength and to feel that you are providing structure and stability; by pushing against the boundaries that you set, they will become stronger. Assessing just how much freedom to allow and what boundaries to set, is one of the most challenging tasks of parenthood, Your child may disagree with you – indeed, you may never agree about some things- but will probably still respect you, provided that you are not completely inflexible and unfair.
Divided Loyalties
Adolescents are often torn between the values of their parents and those of their peer group. As they struggle to define who they really are, they may also establish different set of friends.
What Can Parents DO?
Most parents would like to think that they raise their children to think, act and speak up for themselves. They value independence of thought and know people need to be able to act on their own initiative as they grow up. Despite this, parents often have a ‘hidden agenda’. They want their children to think as they do, and not to question parental values and beliefs.
Typical clashes arise from the beliefs, values, cultural preferences and philosophy of life that adolescents consider important. What can you do if your son chooses to wear his hair long, if your daughter has several rings in her ears, if they take to body piercing, to wearing old torn clothes or even if they do not study as hard as they should or have friends you do not like?
The first thing the parent need to do is to understand why these issues seem to be so crucial to them and why your comments generate so much anger, If adolescent children scream ‘it’s my life – get off my back!’ It is because they are struggling to develop a sense of their own identity
These matters symbolize a need to express themselves in their own way and find their own way of doing things. Try to remember the following points:
All Individuals Need to Assert Themselves: If this urge is frustrated or restricted, negative reactions almost inevitably ensue silence, hostility, secrecy, anger, frustration and conflict.
Parents Do Not Own their Children and Cannot Control What they Think
If you want your adolescent children to respect the values of other people, then you must respect their values – even when they differ from your own.
Let Them Express Themselves at Home
If they clam up in order to avoid arguments or feel they have to fight to defend themselves, it will be harder to build a good relationship with them.
It may be hard to believe but your opinion does matter – you are, and will always be, an authority figure to them. As such, you should try to be as patient and tolerant as possible until this stormy period passes.
Being a parent is a huge challenge at the best of times. Parenting an adolescent in these modern times can be hurtful, especially as at times children are at risk of being influenced by their peers and society to break away from the family unit