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Treating Children Fairly
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For Positive Effective Parenting Children do not have to be treated identically but they do need to be treated fairly. Signs of obvious partiality can be damaging for all children in a family even the ‘favorite’.
Childhood complains about unfairness – such as “it’s not fair, “She got more than me” or “ you love him more than me” – are familiar to all parents. We probably made themselves to our parents or hear them now from our own children. While parents feel uncomfortable when faced with such an accusation – especially is=f there is any truth in them-they often do feel a special warmth for a particular child. Now that’s not to say you love that child any more, however, it may be the child’s personality, a shared interest or outlook, or simple the child’s age and temperament. An example would be it is much easier and understandable if you feel more comfortable and express your affection with a playful 6 year old than with a surly adolescent. Although the effects of this unpalatable truth can made family life rather tense it is in the interest of both you and your child to find ways to deal with it.
Coping with favoritism
Parents who show favoritism to one child cause problems for all the children including the favored one. How you may be asking? Well adults often describe feeling of lifelong inadequacy if they were not the favored child. They may have grown up feeling unworthy and second-best and as a defensive response they may have become aggressive or resentful – the “problem child”. However on the other hand being the favored child is not necessarily idyllic either. The “favorite” often fear losing their position if they do not live up to parental expectations and also ear their siblings’ resentment.
The first step toward combating the effects of favoritism is to acknowledge your feelings of partiality. Parents cannot easily change how they feel, but they can consciously alter the way they act on those feelings. If parents can honestly admit their feelings to themselves, then they will be better able to perfect their less-favored children.
Avoiding comparisons
Sometimes parents imagine that a comparison will somehow motive a child to behave better. Parents will say : “Why can’t you settle down to your study like your brother?” “Your sister always helps around the house and you are just plain lazy” or “Even the baby doesn’t make the mess you make when eating, what’s wrong with you?” Making comments like these will only result in the child becoming more defiant.
Parents need to be ever so mindful even in making comments favorable comparisons because they are a criticism of the other child: “you do things without being asked, unlike your sister” or “You always look near, unlike your brother” can do as much damage to the other child as comments made directly to him/her.
Unfortunately this kind of conditioning can have lasting consequences; James had a brother John who was quite academic. Their parents took great pride in telling everyone how well John did at school and how good his grades were, when James reached high school he was asked by his teacher what he wanted to do when he finished school, James answer was “ I don’t know but I know it won’t be anything much” the teacher asked James why he thought that way and James replied “ Well you know I’m not as good as my brother John”.
Suiting individual needs
Loving children equally is not demonstrated by equal treatment. There are some parents who go to great lengths to show that they are not favoring one child. They give presents to the child who is not having a birthday, buy clothes for one and get the same for the others. This is not necessary, and in fact causes sibling to compare increasingly trivial things. Children do not have to be treated exactly the same; they need to be treated uniquely. Each child is a separate individual with particular qualities and needs, and parental treatment should reflect these differences.
Parenting can be a juggling act, the important thing to remember is that more
damage is done when making comparisons between one child and the other than
anything else.
Avoiding the pitfalls
You can make a conscious effort to avoid certain pitfalls, This does not mean
praising your child insincerely or denying that you have certain standards of
behavior, but it does entail avoiding unhelpful comparisons. The guiding
principle is to describe what you see, what you feel, or what needs to be done,
as these examples illustrate.
Describe what you see:
Don’t say: “Even the baby can eat without making such a mess”
Do say: “You may not have noticed but your food is falling off your plate”
Describe what you feel:
Don’t say: “You always appreciate what I do for you, unlike your sister”
Do say: “I was very pleased when you thanked me for helping you”
Describe what you expect:
Don’t say: “Why can’t you be like your brother, I don't have to tell him 20 times to
wash the dishes after dinner”
Do say: “Right after dinner when it’s your turn I do expect you to wash the
dishes.”
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