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Temper Tantrums
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Children who cannot express their feeling tend to use temper tantrum to release their frustration. Tantrums are extremely common in toddlers and preschoolers.
The causes of tantrums can include:
- Stress, hunger, tiredness and over stimulation
- Situation that children just can’t cope with – for example when an older child takes a toy away
- Temperament – children letting out frustration
Tantrums come in all shapes and sizes. They can involve Explosions of anger, frustration and disorganized behaviour. You might see screaming, stiffening limbs, kicking falling down or running away. In extreme cases some children will hold their breath, break things, vomit or get aggressive as part of a tantrum.
There are different ways of dealing with tantrums. The low key approach is suitable for very young children up to 2 years or for children whose tantrums do not occur very frequently or very severely. The approach includes:
Identify what triggers the tantrum – Sometimes children do not relate well to long shopping visits, getting tired and bored the child may become frustrated to the point that they lose control. In this situation think of ways to make these events easier on your child. Make the shopping visits shorter, ensure that the child has been fed and has had a sleep prior to venturing out on the shopping visit.
- Ignore the tantrum until it stops. Once a tantrum is in full swing there is no way of reasoning or distraction. If you try to reason the child will get the message that having a tantrum is a good way of getting your full attention
- if a child is having a tantrum because he/she wants something that you do not want to give then do not give in for to do so will teach your child that the tantrum has power and authority.
- Reward good behaviour. Praise your child when he/she manages frustration well.
If your child is older than two and when tantrums are severe and very disruptive to family, tantrums are causing you and your child significant distress or when you worry that you might become angry and hurt your child when he she tantrums.
Usually a child will have a tantrum when being told ‘NO’. Understanding this it is beneficial if you re phrase your words. For example the child wants to watch TV instead of doing homework, instead of saying “NO” you can’t watch TV it is better to say “After doing your homework you can watch some TV.” Likewise if your child wants an ice cream before dinner say “ after dinner you may have an ice cream”.
This simple re phrase will diffuse a looming tantrum.
Another instance where a tantrum could be looming is if the child is being asked or told to do something that they don’t want to do. In this instance think before you tell your child what to do. For example: You want your child to help with the household chores. Don’t say: “ I want you to wash the dishes” it is better to say “ what would you prefer to do help me by washing the dishes or would you prefer to vacuum? The mere fact that you give the child a choice once again defuses tantrums. Also be mindful to ensure that your instructions are reasonable. Tantrums often are the result if your child can't do what he/she is being asked to do.
Children really do want to please you, after all one of the most important things for a child is to get their parents approval. They like to be the hero and when they are naughty or lose control to the point of having a tantrum it is because they are not mature enough to control emotions and to express their feelings.
One way to help impress upon the child’s unconscious mind a trigger enabling them to remember to be helpful, to feel important and being the hero is to have the child listen to Metaphor bedtime stories. LifestylePlus Centre has produced a series of CDs which are based on Metaphor bedtime stories these stories help and assist children in a fun way to overcome a number of negative behavioural patterns ‘click here’ for more information.
To encourage your child not to have tantrums it is useful to establish a reward system to give your child extra encouragement for staying calm.
Help your older child learn and practice copying skills in situation where he’d normally have a tantrum. For example: “‘Sandra I know how much you like watching TV however I need to ask you to turn the TV off in 15 minutes and then please go and do your homework, this is an opportunity for you to show me how calm and grown up you can be.”
Keep yourself tantrum-free
Parents dealing with tantrums can feel enormously drained and stressed. Ways of staying calm and keeping your cool are:
- Accept that you cannot control your child’s emotions or behaviours directly.
- Accept it may take time for your child to outgrow this stage.
- Do not become the victim believing that the child is out to get you. Children do not scheme to have tantrums. Children are also left drained after a tantrum.
- Remind yourself that your child is having a tantrum because they don’t have the skills right now to cope with the situation.
- If your child is having a tantrum in the middle of the shopping centre, try to keep your sense of humour. Try to see the funny side of this little one performing in a not so becoming way. However don’t laugh as to do so will send out to the child that they are being laughed at which will only escalate the performance.
- If other people give you dirty looks, ignore them. They either don’t have children of their own or it has been so long since they had a young child they have forgotten what it’s like.
- Don’t feel guilty or judge yourself as a parent based on how many tantrums your child has. Most children go through some stage of having tantrums it’s more important for you to focus on how you react to the tantrum.
If all else fails
There can be times when no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try the tantrums get worse and more frequent. In this stance there is no sense in putting up with high levels of stress on your own. It is advisable to get professional help. This is especially important if you find that you are having trouble controlling your own emotions and finding yourself getting angry and losing your own temper or if the tantrums restrict and disrupt your own activities and that of the rest of the family.