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Marriage First Aid Kit
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No matter how much two people love one another, it is unrealistic to expect a long-term union to be free of friction or disagreement. But this need not mean disaster.
One of the major problems encountered between couples is the problem of communication or the lack thereof.
There is no doubt that good communication is the key to building a successful and harmonious relationship. The best way to resolve a problem is to talk about it with your partner. All too frequently however, and despite the best intentions the conversations becomes sidetracked into faultfinding and mutual recriminations. Even though you think you know each other well, often neither of you seems able to get your point across. How can two people who share many interests and opinions end up getting their wires badly crossed?
Somehow over time one or both of the partners close off and stop listening to one another. Selective listening is something that, to a greater or lesser degree we all engage in. We focus on what pleases or interests us or on what confirms our feelings and convictions. If the person communicating with us is telling us what we want to hear then we listen if however the person’s point of view is in conflict with what we believe or what we want to hear we switch off.
In a relationship this is the beginning of a downward spiral and can be the catalyst for arguments, which start out small and escalate to mammoth proportions. Misunderstandings are common in many relationships. These misunderstandings occur due to the fact that many couples do not actually say what they mean even if they think they do. Perfect understanding is a myth. We all internalize differently. We delete, distort and generalize according to our life experience.
Misunderstandings between couples generally have three main causes:
- Each is putting his or her own interpretation on what the other things, feels or intends
- Partners are not expressing themselves clearly or they are not saying what they mean
- Neither is listening to what the other is saying
All too often one partner or both are presuming to know exactly what the other partner is feeling. Instead of listening to what the other person is saying usually the partner can resort to mind reading and this mind read results in assumptions being made that have little to do with any actual words spoken.
Learning to Listen
To be a good listener you must give your full attention to whoever is talking. This means not switching off (for many, an automatic reflex when a partner nags shouts or becomes over-emotional) and not listening with half your mind somewhere else.
It is equally important to check that you really understand what is being said. Repeating what you think you have heard giving your partner the opportunity to tell you whether your interpretations correct and if you haven’t understood, ask him or her to rephrase the remark or clarify it with an example can do this.
Finally, put your brain into gear before offering comments and points of view. Opinions on matters of fact can be relevant but opinions on someone else’s feeling and motives are best left unexpressed. To accuse someone of being immature, spineless, neurotic, repressed and so on is wounding and nonconstructive. Part of being a good listener is to respect the other’s right to his or her feelings whether you approve of them or not.
All-round Communication Skills
It is vital to be able to recognize when offense is intended and when it is not; otherwise you many overreact to a remark that is careless but not malicious. If you are honest with yourself and direct with your partner you will know when you are instigating or being provoked into a confrontation and when you are trying to be hurtful. Remember provoking the other person is also bound to lead to a row and as the row will probably not focus on the issue that really concerns you, you will still feel frustrated afterward.
Being able to listen generously, attentively and uncritically is a valuable life skill. So is expressing yourself clearly and saying what you mean. Once you have mastered these skills you will be equipped to deal with the misunderstandings and flare-ups that are a natural and inevitable part of any relationship
The Vital Ingredients
In today’s society the likelihood of sustaining a relationships for a lifetime seems an impossible dream. Or is it?
Believe it or not there are still couples who have not only stayed together for many years, but who actually seem still to like and love each other, to share interests and feelings and to choose to spend time together rather than merely being with each other out of habit or simply fear of being alone. How do I know that there are couples like this? Well the reason I know is because my husband and I are one of them. My husband and I have been married for 38 years 
and believe it or not still enjoy each others company and enjoy doing a lot of things together.
For those of you who are interested in knowing what the formula for success is I can tell you that there is no magic trick; the capacity to build a good and lasting relationship is something that almost anyone can learn.
Whilst there are a number of things that can cloud a relationship such as lack of money, loss of interest in sex, or rows about the children the underlying significant and destructive problems are lack of good communication and the inability to accept change and adapt to one another’s fluctuating needs and desires.
The Foundation Stones of Success
Being aware of potential problems that can destroy relationships yields insights into how to build and sustain a good partnership. The key words are communication, flexibility and respect.
Talking
You cannot underestimate the value of talking. Talking keeps your interests in each other alive; it allows you to know and understand each other better; it helps prevent misunderstandings; it enables you to deal with problems before they become serious or deeply entrenched. Talking is free and you can do it anywhere and anytime, yet most of us at some time in our lives avoid it like the plague. How much easier it seems to change the subject, walk out of the room or assume that you know how the other person feels without needing to ask. But talking is the most crucial form of sharing in relationships; sharing your thoughts and feelings; your doubts and fears your hopes and dreams is invaluable.
Reflect back to when you were courting
How much did you communicate with your partner? asking questions, talking about your likes and dislikes, discussing future plans and dreams.
Flexibility is no less important. Keeping an open mind and a flexible attitude allows you to accept and welcome change, in yourself in your partner and in your relationship. As we grow older it is inevitable that we are affected by change as a result of the various experiences we encounter.
Respect
Your partner deserves at least the same level of respect that you would accord any other close friend. Familiarity does not entitle you to disregard the necessity for mutual respect. Showing respect includes such things as not humiliating or disparaging your partner in public, taking time to listen attentively and accepting your partners right o have different opinions from your own.
Reassurance and praise
When you have something good to say it. There is no need to be reticent about your appreciation in case this might ‘spoil’ the other person. A couple is a kind of mutual fan club. Let your partner know that you are with him or her out of choice not habit.
Loyalty
Do not criticize or rebuke your partner in public. This does not mean that you have to agree with each other all the time, just that you should not put your partner down or ridicule his or her point of view. When you do agree, be supportive. If someone else criticizes your partner personally you should provide strong back up.
Adaptability
You both need to be adaptable to accommodate chances in your circumstances as well as changes in each other. You also have to accept that you don’t necessarily both tackle things in the same way. People can be on different paths in life, but they are still on the same planet. Enjoy the fact that you do things differently, rather than seeing it as a cause of irritation.
Love
I have left love till last because psychologists have defined six types of love experience. These are:
- Collaborative love – in which you support each other
- Active love – in which you do things together
- Intuitive love – in which you communicate feelings without words
- Committed love – which supports togetherness
- Traditional romantic love – which means feeling good
- Expressive love – talking about feelings.
A good solid relationship experiences all six types of love. Should you be encountering relationship problems there is help available. For a confidential consultation click on the 'Contact us' navigation link and we will be only too pleased to discuss with you the resources and options available.
In the upcoming editions of our newsletter 'The Communicator' we will be addressing topics relating to:
- Dealing with Infidelity
- Coping with Jealousy
- Make Room for Growth
- Sex Matters
- How to get the best out of it
- Feelings that spoil sex