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If you want your child to confide in you and trust you implicitly then it is important that you learn to listen to your child.  Nothing is more reassuring to a child than to know that you are interested in and care about what he or she things and feels.  Try not to rush your child, or jump to premature conclusions.

One of the most effective ways to begin a productive dialogue is by listening carefully to what the other person has to say.  This usually encourages them – and especially children – to say more.  For effective parenting, you should refrain from jumping in with your own opinion or solutions.  Instead, simply listen to your child.  Even if a child is struggling to articulate a feeling, be patient.  Allow him or her the time to explore the problem.  Encouraged by your quiet support, he or she may reach an independent solution, quite possibly the best one.

Active listening

The best way to listen involves three steps:

• First, pay attention.  Your child should recognize that you are being attentive.  Turn off the television, put down the newspaper, stop preparing the dinner and look at your child.  Give him/ her your full attention.  Remember, sometimes all a child needs to feel supported is sympathetic silence.
• Second acknowledge what is being said.  You can do this most effectively with a brief listening response, such as “I see” or even by just nodding your head while you maintain eye contact.  Don’t immediately jump in with advice or solutions or lectures, but give an interested, non-committal response that allows your child to continue talking.  Don’t take the problem away from your child;  let him or her confront it by exploring thoughts and feelings.
• Third, help your child name the feeling, but let your child take the lead.  It is important for children to know that their feelings are recognized and acknowledged.  This is not the same thing as giving advice.  It is quite common for parents to deny their children’s feelings, as the following examples show:

Child:     I don’t want to play now – I’m too tired.

Parent:  You can’t be, you’ve just had a nap.

Child:      I’ve lost my teddy bear, I don’t know what to do.

Parent:   Don’t be silly you’re too old to need your bear any more.

When you urge a child to push a feeling away, no matter how kind or protective your intentions, you run the risk of upsetting, your child more.  Many parents feel that if they acknowledge the feeling they will make things worse, and the child’s feeling will persist or even worse he or she will act upon it.    In fact, just the opposite is true,  Even if your child is caught in the throes of a ‘bad; feeling, such as anger or jealousy, he or she will be reassured that you are trying to understand – rather than deny – the problem.  For example, a child might say, after slapping a younger sibling, “I have the baby he just broke my toy”.  Your response night be “ I can see that you’re angry with baby for breaking your toy but it is not OK to hit him”.  The first part of your response acknowledges your child’s feelings, while the second part clearly limits his or her behaviour.  If your child is jealous try not to say “You must not feel jealous”  which is prohibitive but say instead, “There is absolutely nobody else like you, and I love you”  This gives the child reassurance and feeling that reassurance that you really love him/her and feeling that he/she is unique the jealous feeling will dissipate.’

For more informative articles on Family/Parenting read the article  talking about emotions and don’t forget to download your FREE E book “Effective Positive Parenting