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It is inevitable in parenting that there will be challenges and problems a family will face. For those with good communication it’s usually not as difficult as each member is listened to.

 However in families where communication is minimal battles over dress, schoolwork, friends, manners, chores and curfews rage in most households.  Certain conflicts between parents and children can at times go on for so long that feelings and attitudes become deadlocked,  At this point, tempers become frayed good intentions disappear and compromise seems impossible.  There is a danger that a child might become increasingly rebellious as a result.

Time for Brainstorming

Brainstorming is an effective technique that uses spontaneous :“thinking out loud” by two or more people to generate many solutions to a particular problem, either emotional or practical. Brainstorming techniques do two things, one being that all parties get the opportunity of writing down solutions to the problem they are encountering, this in itself is therapeutic because it help release the pent up emotion and it also a basis of organized discussion as both sides go through their points.

Aim for a Win-win not a win-lose

The problem many parents have is they find it difficult to establish effective discipline because they see resolution only in terms of winning or losing,  However a reluctant agreement or one in which one side feels it has lost too much is unlikely to last so a win-win approach is far more effective and durable.

If parents exercise their power in resolving disputes it can be particularly counter -productive with adolescents.  Avoid bullying your children into accepting your views, it is much better to look for a positive solution that you can both live with.

How misunderstanding can happen

There can be times when parents and their children are just not on the same page.  For example setting a curfew as always there are two sides of the story.  It goes something like this:

When out with friends, teenagers may forget that parents may worry if they're late, or they may fear it may be considered 'uncool' if they leave early.  Parents tend to be anxious when their children are later than expected, and this anxiety is often expressed as anger. 

In fact, parent and child may share the same worry of the child coming back late alone.  Finding common ground can help them to work out a solution.  It is important to explore a range of possible solutions;  one possibility might be for the parent to collect the child at an agreed time.

The teenager might agree to phone his or her parents before leaving, accepting that they might be concerned and acing in a responsible grown up way.

Finding a good compromise allows the teenager greater freedom while encouraging a sense of responsibility and also reduces worry for the parent.

Areas to negotiate

One way to resolve problem,  or to limit conflict, is to discuss with children those areas in which you intend to enforce action,  Such as:

Tidiness might be maintained in the family room with everyone pitching in, but you might let your child be less tidy in their own rooms.

Manners may irate your child but insist on consideration, saving the more sophisticated rules of etiquette until they are a little older.  School work needs a disciplined approach so help your child work out a schedule for homework.