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Parenting can be difficult and trying at the best of times however when parenting a defiant child then the task can be exhausting and very distressful.  In this article I address:

• Character of the Defiant Child  - Part 1
• Parenting Patterns to avoid with the defiant child – Part 2
• Parenting strategies to cope with parenting the defiant child – Part 3

The Defiant Child

Today more than ever, more and more children are exhibiting signs of defiance at a very young age.  Once upon a time defiance was something expected from adolescents and teenagers, now children as young as 5 can pro e to be  handful for the unexpected parent.

Having to deal with the running battles, parents can be left with feeling defeated, frustrated angry and depressed.  This coupled with feelings of guilt and embarrassment as  a result of their child’s appalling manners – his/her rudeness – can anger the parent so much that they themselves can lose control and take out their rage on the child .On the other hand parents 9often fathers0 have a different reaction.  They take the attitude ‘You won’t get away with this” stance and this in itself sets the stage for a battle.  The father takes the law and order figure who expects to be obeyed.  Coming face to face with a defiant child he may punish the child frequently, often physically, with the intention of forcing or scaring the child into better behaviour,

This style of authoritarian parenting style of trying to intimidate or scare the child into

 backing down can work against the parent as the defiant child will usually dig in deeper.

Yes, this approach may have some children frightened into obedience although the parent

 would have sacrificed the child’s goodwill and respect in the process.

An authoritarian parenting style with a defiant child can result in the child’s grades suffering,

 he/she may suffer from headaches and in some cases he/she may begin wetting the bed.

The home becomes a battle field and all members of the family begin to suffer.

Escalating to a situation where neither parent nor child will back down usually results, for the

fortunate ones, in the parent having to talk to a counselor.  By this time the parent is

mortified and defensive at the prospect of appearing weak

The parents forget that their adversary is just a child.  Losing sight of this fact and focusing

 on their own need to feel that they are in control, as parents the parents will often say “ I

don’t care what it takes he/she  will not be a spoiled brat”

It quickly becomes apparent that parents become so drained of energy in the power struggle

 and so angry at their child, unintentionally, they inadvertently become less nurturing and

empathetic.  There is less love and understanding in the family as a whole and sometimes one

parent can turn against the other parent.

I have had parents tell me, “its because I love James so much that I don’t want to see him

 behave this way, it makes me so angry and frustrated, I can’t but help myself from

withdrawing like that”.

Unfortunately children are not emotionally mature enough to understand their parents

 frustration and anger nor do they understand why they themselves become so defiant hence

they only pick up on their parents negative reaction to them.  Defiant children who have

 come to me for counseling will usually tell me I know my parents love me but I also know

 that I can’t seem to do anything to please them.  I wish I wasn’t born”  and worse still, some

children will say “ life is not worth living”, and when I ask why the child will respond “ I

know my parents are right and I am just bad.  These comments made by children are a result

 of the erosion of the special nurturing which occurred in the family.

Unfortunately there are also children who will simply wall himself/herself in more and more

 in a defiant corner, refusing to be a part of the family  When this happens as a result of the

 lack of nurturing, added to over intrusiveness, the child is served a double whammy that very

 few children especially those with a defiant nature, can deal with.  Often this double

 whammy intensifies and becomes the catalyst that drives children into other complex

 difficulties.

So what parenting patterns do parents need to avoid with defiant children?